Friday, April 29, 2011

William Wants To Be Known As 'The Duke Formerly Known As Prince'

There aint no Duking between these two former Princes
It was at the first press conference Prince William and his new bride Catherine Middleton held after tying the nuptials that the second in line to the throne made his declaration. The press was clamouring for the couple's attention and kept calling out to the groom by his old moniker 'Prince William', as well as his new one 'The Duke of Cambridge'.

After about five minutes of name-calling, the Prince...err, Duke, slammed his fist on the table with a resounding thud that shut the room up. In a calm, level voice, he proceeded to issue this statement:

"Today is the happiest day of my life. Ever since I first laid eyes on Kate a decade ago, I have waited for this day. For 28 years, I have been known as Prince. Today, we have become the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. However, today, I also want to honour a man who has had a profound impact on my life. I grew up with his voice in my head, with his music in my ears and with his name in my title - Prince. And so, henceforth, I shall be referred to as 'The Duke Formerly Known As Prince'."

One bright reporter, allegedly from The Mail, stood up and asked, "Will you get yourself a Love Symbol too, like Prince did?"

Prince William... I mean, The Duke of Cambridge... I mean, The Duke Formerly Known As Prince (or 'TDFKAP' for short) sat up straight. "By Jove," he exclaimed, "that's a smashing idea. Maybe I could run a national, no, global contest where I pick the winning design for my own Love Symbol. And it could air as part of our family reality show 'Monarchy: The Royal Family At Work'."

He called over a black-suited advisor and began to talk to him in hushed whispers, holding a hand over his mouth. Meanwhile, another reporter, maybe from The Standard, asked Kate, who had been sitting rather stiffly through this exchange, "Would you like to be called 'The Duchess Formerly Known as Kate'?"

The Duchess of Cambridge leaned forward to the mic and said in her sweet voice, "I have been known as Kate for 29 years. I think I'd like to be called 'The Duchess of Cambridge' for a while now, thank you very much."

"How about 'The Duchess'?"

"The Duchess of Cambridge."

When Prince Charles was contacted for comment, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Today's generation, I tell you, totally unpredictable. I wanted to get Rowan Atkinson to conduct the wedding, like he had in that delightful film Four Weddings And A Funeral. I thought it would liven things up a bit. Westminster Abbey can get so stuffy. I should know; I was nearly married there twice. But Billy wanted a very traditional service. And now this!"

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince could not be reached for comment, although rumours suggest that he might change his name now to 'The Duke' to reciprocate Prince William's gesture.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Perfect Situation Song

I started work last week at a new place. And I had an unbelievable first day. Almost as soon as I entered the lobby, I sliced my finger deep on the edge of my Ray-Ban sunglasses (did you know they have really sharp edges?) that were sitting in my shirt pocket. As I stemmed the flow of blood and was asking the security guard there to give me cotton, Dettol and a Band-Aid, somebody walked through the door from inside the office. It was somebody I hadn't seen in five years, and frankly, the last place I expected to see this person.

It has been a surreal couple of weeks. Working in the same space as this person, though not yet together, is an unusual sensation that I'm still struggling to come to terms with. This morning, as my bus approached my bus stop, a song started up on my iPod. It was a song I had never heard before, because I had downloaded the artist's 'Best Of' album for his biggest hit, and had just transferred the entire album onto my iPod as a way to discover his music.

The lyrics arrested me. They rang so true to my thoughts and emotions, it was stunning. I literally have experienced everything he sings in this song. It's called 'Hello Like Before' and it's by Bill Withers (of 'Ain't No Sunshine' fame). Give it a listen. The lyrics are below.

Hello like before
I'd never come here
If I'd known that you were here
I must admit though
That's it's nice to see you, dear
You look like you've been doing well

Hello like before
I hope we've grown
'Cause we were only children then
For laughs I guess we both can say
'I knew when'
But then again, that's kiss and tell

Hello like before
I guess it's different
'Cause we know each other now
I guess I've always known
We'd meet again somehow
So then it might as well be now

(Last two verses x2)