Thursday, August 26, 2010

Who Told Autos They're Vehicles?

Disclaimer: The following post is politically incorrect.

Which nincompoop led auto-rickshaws to believe that they are vehicles? Why are autos allowed to traverse the same path as actual vehicles like cars, buses and bikes? Which dunderhead lacked the foresight and went ahead and committed a grave error in even allowing autos to be manufactured? Why are licences and permits still being issued to these guys? They should be issuing hunting permits instead and instituting 'shoot-at-sight' orders, allowing regular people and road users to take pot-shots at autos and their drivers.

Auto-rickshaws represent everything that is wrong with mankind's life today. It is a face for the urban decay that chokes the progress that man is capable of. The collapse of civilization that futuristic films continuously portray is captured in no truer form than the three-wheeled bucket of crap that terrorizes our roads.

Seeing an auto weave its way languidly through traffic is cringe-worthy. Drivers cut across lanes at will, treating the entire road as his father's property. Hearing an auto crackle and rattle is enough to drive one crazy. I often fantasize about tying the head of the auto manufacturing company to a chair and playing recorded clips of autos roaring by (as vehicles pass them since they're never fast enough to overtake anything except stationary cattle) for him/her all day long. Maybe that will force him/her to pull the plug on these ghastly machines, obviously thought up and built by a moron who lived in a time period preceding the Flintstones' intellectual and industrial boom.

I fully advocate the creation of National Game Reserves dedicated entirely to the hunting of auto-rickshaws and their drivers. Its main feature is its expanse; it exists everywhere. I envision entire hunting clubs blossoming across the country where regular folk like you and me will gain membership, buy hunting caps and then meet once or twice a month to compare notes and blow their trumpets. These local clubs will spread at such an alarming rate that soon a National Auto-Rickshaw And Driver Hunting Clubs' Association (N.A.R.A.D.H.C.A) will be set up to regulate the activities of these clubs and their members. This will lead to the biggest technological innovation in weapons' manufacture since elephant rifles. An entire genre of guns will be spawned under the name 'Auto Guns' (not to be confused with 'Automatic Guns'), ranging from rifles, shotguns, pistols, revolvers, pink snub-nosed ones that ladies can effectively tuck into their handbags and the special-edition Dirty Harry handgun: "the most powerful handgun in the world".

Videos will flood the internet showing kills and skills - combo kills, drift kills, acrobatic kills, parkour kills, you name it. In time, the sport of hunting auto-rickshaws and their drivers will get its own National Championship, where hunters will meet once a year in a designated city and pit their skills against each other. There will be special category prizes as well, apart from the usual awards, in categories as varied as 'Oldest Hunter', 'Kill From The Highest Point', 'Most Kills Without A Gun', etc.

To appease the humanitarian and autotarian (what a word!) groups that will undoubtedly spring up to clamour for their preservation, small pockets can be declared as 'Protected Areas'. In these 'Protected Areas', autos and their drivers will be ensured safe passage and visitors, gaining entry with a fee and positioned behind protective fences, can marvel at them in their natural habitat, lumbering painfully slowly and loudly across tarred and potholed roads that will be kept free of any other traffic or interference. All roads and flyovers in all the cities that are currently on-hold due to legal problems will be utilised in this heavy money-making scheme. Examples in Bangalore in the past would have included the Airport Road flyover and the portion of 100 Ft Rd under the Metro construction. However, a shining example, that in all probability will become a permanent enclosure, is the NICE Road.

Moreover, to introduce an element of excitement, a stationary cow will be planted occasionally in the middle of the road just around a bend. Visitors will grind their nails to dust, unable to take the suspense, as the driver sluggishly guides his auto-rickshaw along the road, unmindful of the bovine obstacle ahead; visitors will then gasp as he expertly swerves out of the way at the last possible moment without any dip in speed or without so much as a mindful glance behind, and the organisers will pat themselves on the back at having achieved yet another masterful display of the auto-driver's natural behaviour in man-made surroundings.

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