I turned 24 today. And I don't feel good about it.
I'm smack bang in the middle of a quarter life crisis. I have no idea where my life is going, what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, when and where I'm supposed to be doing it and just about everything else that's associated with me.
And worse still, I'm getting older. I now truly am starting to feel old. I think 23 was my threshold. I am now an adult entering the portals of marriageable age, personal finances and responsibilities.
Birthdays are a time for reflection. They are also a time to look ahead, but being the depressing cynic that I am, I rarely ever do that any more. I think back to all the birthdays that I have had, what situation my life was in then and what has happened since. More importantly, what course has my life charted since my last birthday?
The call didn't come last year and I am not expecting it to come this year or ever again. I graduated from MICA, with a broken heart, loads of baggage and a clean slate. I moved to Delhi in pretty much the same state a few days later, excited and full with expectation. My body survived the Delhi summer and the Delhi winter, but my soul and my spirit were tortured by loneliness, dissatisfaction, home-sickness and depression. And now, though I am alive, I am dead.
I feel myself approaching the tip of the cliff; it's not too far away now. And when I do find myself at that tip, I will wait a moment, take in the placid scenery contrasting with my tormented inner self, take a deep breath, and jump. And I will be in that suspended, free-flowing state of mind for sometime, possibly a couple of months, before I decide that it is time to hit the ground and start walking again. The corporate rat race awaits, after all. But if I am lucky, I may never have to hit that ground again, at least not for a very long time. Only time will tell. And I have looked ahead.