I did something very crazy today. I googled my ex-girlfriend. And as I was doing it and as I was going through the results, I kept telling myself "Stop it! You're just setting yourself up for depression. You don't need this. Don't do this."
Did I listen to myself? Eventually I did, but not before I had gotten myself well and truly affected. Then I got myself a cup of coffee and went out to the balcony to try and settle myself down. But it was too late. I had started thinking. I had started remembering.
And now, I'm sitting at my desk listening to the sad songs that I used to listen to at the lowest points of my depression, when I missed her tremendously and I knew that I had well and truly lost her forever. And I deepened my chasm by clinging onto a sliver of hope that one day we might be back together.
The ache inside has evolved over the months. For one, it's become less frequent. I also figured out that this ache is probably related with my home. Is home-sickness playing a part in this ache? Will I move home only to realise that the streets, the hang-out joints, the atmosphere, everything, will trigger off an uncontrollable reaction in me and actually amplify the hurt and the sorrow?
I'm going crazy in Delhi. It's not easy living alone when you want company. It absolutely sucks when you realise that there is nobody you can for a drink with, rather nobody you want to go with, and then you realise that the guys you do want to go for a drink with are all sitting in Bengaluru. And then they meet up for a drink and give you a call, and you feel like an absolute oaf.
But will I go even crazier in Bengaluru? I haven't really lived at home with the pain. I've always dealt with it outside the city, in some other city. Will it kill me if I move back? Will it open up old wounds and create fresh scars? Will it give me new hope of a re-union? What do I do? So many conflicting emotions, and no way to handle them, no shoulder to lean on, no way to divert thoughts and repress memories.