Aircel? Airtel?

This is a fictional article that appeared in my head a few days ago.

Following the nationwide launch of telecommunication company Aircel with a poor creative (TVC) buffered by massive media budgets, irate consumers have decided to stage a dharna outside Aircel's head office in every city.

"I cannot stand that annoying ringtone-music that keeps playing from the Aircel commercial. And it seems to be playing on every channel at all times. It's everywhere, even in restaurants and on the radio," said one of the protestors outside the Aircel office in Bangalore. He has resorted to wearing ear plugs so that he cannot hear the ringtone-music even by mistake. We had to show him our badges and then conduct the interview by writing down our questions to which he would respond by writing down his answers. He also mentioned he was now being approached by some headphones companies to promote their headphones and earphones, but he declined to say which companies those were.

Another protestor outside the Delhi Aircel office had an issue with the cricketers used in the commercial. "My 5 year old son had no problems in identifying Indian cricketers before this ad came out," he said proudly. "But now that they have used look-alikes who bear a striking resemblance to the original cricketers, he cannot say for sure who Harbhajan, Gambir, Sachin and Yuvraj are. Heck, even I have trouble now. Due to this, my son has started losing interest in cricket and we fear that he may not desire the career in cricket we desire for him. I want to sue Aircel for all the endorsements he would have gotten as an Indian cricketer, but now will not. I want to sue Aircel for my retirement." His cry was taken up by other young parents around him.

When contacted for his reaction, India captain Dhoni seemed non-plussed. "Aircel?" he queried, his puzzlement clearly evident. "I thought I had been signed up for Airtel. The brand manager I spoke to had a lisp. So, everytime he said 'Aircel', I thought he was saying 'Airtel'. Oh dang! I hate the Aircel ringtone-music. I took an Airtel number after I signed the contract. My ringtone and callertune are both the famous Airtel music composed by A.R. Rahman. I'm a big fan of his. Sigh! I guess I'll have to put my phone on 'Silent' all the time now."

When prodded about the resemblance of the actors to the cricketers, he replied, "When I was shooting the commercial, I thought I was shooting with the cricketers. You see, I have myopic vision and I need to wear spectacles, but I can't as I am in talks with some eyewear brands to become their ambassador. Till that is finalised, I can't buy myself glasses. When I saw the Aircel ad on TV, I was amazed that they had found somebody who looked just like me. I immediately called my manager to ask if this will reduce my commercial worthiness, but he assured me that people will always only want the real thing. So I relaxed, took my bike and went and had a glass of fresh cow's milk with Lalooji."

It is this reporter's opinion that companies that have massive media budgets must first ensure that they have a good creative to be blasted out onto the unsuspecting consumers. Vodafone is another company that is getting dangerously close to the line of sanity for the consumers. Aircel has already jumped over the line with their entry.

I love February

I think February is the best month in the year, and I'm quite sad that it has passed. Of course, I was born in Feb, so I think it makes it even more special. But I especially love all the quirks the month comes with.

It's the shortest month in the year, the only one with less than 30 days. It's also the only month that is flexible in the number of days it has - 28 or 29. It's neither the first month nor the last, and it's not slotted right in the middle either.

I quit my job this Feb. It's another one in a growing list. It was a decent job, paid decently too. I quit it because I wanted to follow my heart. I quit it because if you are not passionate about something, you are just existing for the heck of it and you will never succeed; you'll just move forward slightly. I still like advertising and I think I might return to the industry, but I don't want to return on the management side; I want to return on the creative side. And that is exactly what I'm going out to explore - my creative side.

I'm going to explore my writing and my music, both of which are at a very nascent stage. I'm unqualified in both areas, but I have grand dreams for them and I know I can do something with them. I know I want to do something with them.

I'm also going to explore my social side - one that has been twisting and turning inside me, hollering for the attention it has never received. I have always been an armchair activist, but it doesn't feel enough. I want to go out and actually make a difference. I want to be in that last mile delivery where I get to see the results first-hand and, hopefully, immediately. I am in the process of trying to become a Teach For India Fellow. I've never been a teacher before but I know I'm good with children.

I crave immediate gratification and that is something I never got at any of my jobs. That is something I get with my writing and my music. That is something I think I will get with teaching and with social work. I am following my heart. There is a good chance I am shooting myself in the foot. If that is the case, I hope I am able to hobble back to this corporate world I am leaving behind without too much damage; but I hope that is not the case.

Wish me luck, for I am about to embark on a journey whose route and destination I do not know. I see a haze in front of me, but I am moving in a particular direction.

24 Hours In A Bangalore Day

This past weekend was one of the best I've had in a very long time. It started great, was busy with fun-filled activities and ended great. Saturday morning saw me finish the first draft of a short story I'm working on for a contest and the afternoon had me going at the drums till I near perfected "Back In Black" and "Highway To Hell". However, the 24 hours I'll be profiling will be from Saturday night till Sunday night, and I will be doing so with the aid of pictures.

Saturday night was the Midnight Marathon. I wasn't going to run till the last minute, but thanks to some friends, I went and we all took part in the 5km run. The event was very poorly organised. I felt like we part a baraat which was incredibly late and had to run to the marriage hall. There were Diwali-type lights strung from the streetlights and a bunch of people dancing on the street to a bunch of dhol players. But I cruised to the finish line in a little over a half hour, and I had some fabulous running company whom I think I irritated the stuff out of with my constant jabbering and bad jokes.

I got up early on Sunday morning to be a part of a cycle ride a couple of cyclists were going on. Got to the Sarjapur-outer ring road junction (9km from my house; I know thanks to the nifty new cyclo-computer I have) by 6:30am where 3 more riders showed up. We left soon after, got off the main road in 5 min and went off-roading. It was an exhilarating ride. I've never been off-roading on my cycle before and I felt great. We stopped for some IVC (Idli-Vada-Coffee), then headed back to one of the cyclists' apartment complex where a talk had been organised with the residents on cycles and commuting and stuff.

Bosche called me up on Sunday afternoon and we made a plan to go to MG Road to do a bit of shopping. That trip was vintage. It was what we used to do years ago when we were still in college. Start at the top of Brigade Road, walk down one side, cross the road and walk up the other side. The only difference was that instead of window shopping, we actually went into the stores. I picked up an adidas scent (smelt really nice) and was checking out running shoes to fuel this new desire of mine to run long distances. Nike Air and adidas adizero are the clear favourites. Nike Air will probably win just on the strength of service their salesman gave me.

Then we stopped by an old haunt of ours - Java City on Church Street. This cafe was the cafe for me. I used to swear by it and I especially love the jazz band that plays here on weekends. Quality of food and service may have dropped, but the music was as great as ever.

As night fell, we met the greatest financial consultant in all of Bangalore, our good friend KPMG man and headed to Take 5 for dinner. They serve some very good Italian food and the damage isn't too bad.

All in all, a lovely weekend. The new routine I'm building for my weekends seems to be working. The future looks promising and inviting.

P.S.: Did anybody see the moon last night? It looked like Bruce Almighty had been pulling it again. My camera phone isn't good enough, but I still tried capturing it and failed miserably. Oh, for a D-SLR and the knowledge to use one!

P.P.S.: Is it just me or does the new Honda City look like "Holy Batmobile, Batman!"

Of Big Words And Body Odour

Nearly everybody suffers from body odour, either emanating it or inhaling it. Either way you're afflicted. Nearly everybody who works in management or marketing suffers from big words. This is a terrible affliction and becomes an addiction as it continues unhindered.

Yesterday, in a large meeting of some 12 odd people (very last supper-ish), I found myself in the unenviable position of being sandwiched between BWBO and BW. Very soon, my head was in a tizzy, being repeatedly smacked by generous dollops of big words and the occassional whiff. The worst moments were when both BWBO and BW decided to lean into each other to confer and discuss almost secretively. But I survived, and my eyes managed to stay open all through the meeting. Not that sitting anywhere else would have made any significant difference. There was a fair sprinkling of BWs all around the table, although I'm not too sure about the BOs.

I think a tax should be instituted on words. There really should be a price of one's words. The way they are thrown around meaninglessly and mindlessly is simply appalling. Everybody's time, hearing and sanity is taking a beating. I'd rather lose my hearing listening to loud rock music than mindless banter. If I truly lead a life of freedom, I ought to be able to choose what I hear. I want my ears to be caressed, not bear the brunt of an attack.

I find it difficult to understand why BO is so prevalent. Can people not smell their own BO? Is that it? Or can they smell it and hope that nobody else notices? And how on earth are fairly pretty woman carrying BO? I thought pretty women took great care of themselves. Sigh!

Here's to the sweetest sounds and smells! 

Decongesting Bangalore

100 Feet Road is an important road in East Bangalore.

On one end, it connects to:

• CMH Road - a heavy business and commercial road
• Old Madras Road - infested with tremendous traffic including trucks on their inter-city sojourns

On the other end, an ambitious, but fairly ugly, flyover connects it to:

• Airport Road - erstwhile clogged, but no longer as clogged due to the shifting of the airport
• Domlur Road - usually sees free-flowing traffic due to lack of solid commercial establishments and signals
• Inner Ring Road -an important lifeline a few years ago, it seems to be reaching its peak capacity

Surrounding 100 Ft Rd lie the important residential areas of HAL, Domlur and Indiranagar. 100 Ft Rd itself has a history of being a residential district. But over the last few years, it has grown commercially. Long-time residents of the area have sold their houses to companies who promptly establish a consumer interaction point (also known colloquially as ‘shop’).

100 Ft Rd is not very wide, with two smallish lanes on either side of the divider. It sees fairly high traffic, and a lot of stationery traffic as well, thanks to all the establishments, including educational and medical. As a result, traffic moves quite slowly and buses have a torrid time negotiating their way through the road. Poor and irregular maintenance of the road has left it badly potholed and scarred.

Now that the airport has moved to the opposite end of the city, a fairly large traffic headache for the commuters and the government has been removed. This is the perfect time to take a long hard look at the surrounding areas and see how they can be developed. The new hotspot for infrastructure development is North and North-West Bangalore, but there is much that can be done with already developed areas in East and South-East Bangalore.

Bangalore, or any Indian city for that matter, has never woken up to the glory of a parking building. If an apartment building puts ten times the number of people on the same area, logic would dictate that a parking building would put a similar number of vehicles on the same area. So, considering that we have a traffic explosion and have to counter the parking problem, shouldn’t parking buildings be the way to go? Three buildings dedicated to parking should be installed near the 100 Ft Rd-Airport Road junction, the 100 Ft Rd-CMH Road junction and at the other end of CMH Road near Ulsoor. This way, people who want to explore 100 Ft Rd and CMH Road won’t have their cars getting in their way or others’ way. However, this does call for alternative means of transportation that are specific to this area.

Taking a leaf out of the walking nature of Brigade Road and Commercial Street, a similar culture should be fostered in the 100 Ft Rd area. People have to be taken out of their polluting cars and put on to non-polluting bicycles. Install bicycle parking bays in front of each store on the road; in fact, make it mandatory for the store owner to install it. There should be no place to park a car on the road, except in the parking buildings designated for them. There must be a separate bicycle lane that is divided from the road, not just by paint but by a divider, so that cars cannot stray into that lane and the bicyclists will be safe to cycle at their leisure. Of course, motorcyclists will stray into the bicycle lane, and only two things will deter them - awareness and heavy fines.

A counter argument would be that elderly people and disabled people cannot bicycle their way around. A simple enough solution is available, and they are called golf carts; electrically powered vehicles that move at a sedate speed (which is the speed normal traffic in this city moves at anyway) and do not pollute. People who cannot bicycle can get into these carts and be ferried around by an employed driver. It will operate like a bus service and will travel from parking building to parking building, picking up and dropping passengers along the way. A golf cart can be expected to pass you by every few minutes.

The footpaths and pavements in front of the stores will now be empty since there will no longer be cars parked there. This gives tremendous opportunity to do something that can serve a purpose. Benches will have to be installed so that people can give their tired legs some rest. But apart from benches, your imagination is the only thing that can limit what you can do with these open areas. Open a little open-air café. Plant some greenery. Install street art. The options are endless.

However commercial 100 Ft Rd might have gotten, it is still home to a large number of citizens. They might complain that with this new system in place, they would have trouble getting their vehicles into their respective houses. Again the solution is fairly simple. They will be issued a monthly or yearly parking stub for a nominal fee; they will park their vehicles at the parking building and use the golf cart service to and from home. Today, they anyway park their vehicles on the footpath in front of their house, viz. they are using public property for personal use and are not paying for it. For the few people who do park their vehicles at home, it is a small price to pay for an overall betterment in their surroundings. Also, without a vehicle at home, they would enjoy more space and would be inclined to use non-polluting modes of transportation like bicycles, the golf cart system or just plain walking to get to nearby places.

Such a dedicated effort into renovating the way people move around 100 Ft Rd and CMH Rd will show its results in the government’s treasury in a positive way. As of now, the government earns no money from the burgeoning commercial activities that go on in this area, except maybe for some fixed ones like licenses and fees. By building the three parking buildings, it will earn heavy parking fees as opposed to the negligible parking fees it collects now from paid parking on CMH Rd. The parking attendants will not be put out of a job; they and some more will be required to man the parking buildings.

It is always easy to charge the commuter for renting the bicycles and for using the golf carts, but the commuters will not take too kindly to that. Firstly, you are forcing them to park inside the building and then charging them for it. Then you charge them for the bicycles and the golf carts they are forced to take because you forced them to park. So, the best thing would be to use the parking stub as a ticket for the bicycles and the golf carts. If you have rented bicycles, the details would be mentioned on the parking stub and details of the person renting them would rest with the bicycle rental office at the parking building. When you return, you return the bicycles, show your parking stub, determine everything is in order and pick up your vehicle and leave. If you choose to use the golf cart system instead, then you show your parking stub to the golf cart driver as your ticket and you can use the system free of cost. If you don’t have a parking stub, you pay the driver a nominal fee of a few rupees to use the service, or a nominal fee at the bicycle rental office to rent a bicycle.

The benefits of adopting this system are myriad. The golf cart system can easily serve as a cheaper, cleaner and quieter alternative to the autos. Hence, the roads get decongested as cars, autos and motorcycles are taken off the roads. The government earns money and goodwill. The pollution, both noise and smoke, reduces considerably. People get a little bit of exercise and some fresh air. Commercial establishments will see a spike in their business. The beauty of the area increases. This sort of local travel within pockets of the city will go a long way in aiding other modes of public transportation like the bus system and the upcoming metro system.

A similar system can be replicated in other pockets across the city, for e.g. in the MG Rd-Brigade Rd-Residency Rd-Commercial St area. When a lot of these systems pop up across the city, then they can be linked up to form an alternative mode of intra-city travel. A dedicated bicycle lane can be established that runs right through the city. Soon, people will no longer think twice about bicycling from Airport Rd to MG Rd or to Ulsoor.

The benefits will only grow with time and the entire city stands to gain through some dedicated effort on the part of the government and sensible adoption on the part of the public. This system has the potential to make Bangalore cleaner, greener and decongested, generally increasing the standard of living.

I Appreciated A Traffic Policeman Today

Actually, I appreciated him yesterday. We were walking back from lunch towards office. We passed the mess that is called Vellara Junction. As we were crossing over, we passed the tiny traffic police chowk that is present at a lot of the bigger junctions. There was a cop inside in his own world. As we passed him, I stopped, went back to him, took off my Titan Aviator sunglasses and held out my hand.

Me: "Sir, I want to congratulate you."

Cop: "Why, Sir?"

Me: "I think you do a very difficult job and I wanted to congratulate you."

Cop: (slowly starting to smile) "Thank you, Sir."

Needless to say, my colleagues were stunned but appreciative of my gesture.

The thought for this originated earlier in the week when I was riding to work. For some reason, I started thinking about the traffic cops and how they perform such a tough job day in and day out braving the elements, the traffic and the pollution, receive no appreciation and only brickbats. It shouldn't be a 'Citizens v/s Cops' scenario; rather it ought to be a 'Citizens + Cops' scenario.

So how can you appreciate the traffic policemen? Here are some pointers.

1. Shake his hand and tell him what a fantastic job he's doing and how much you appreciate it. You could hug him, but he may not be too comfortable with that. I would like to hug him though.
2. Bake him a special batch of cookies or a piece of your delicious Sunday cake. Your nearest cop is probably sitting just 100 meters away. Don't know how to bake? Then pick up a batch from the friendly neighbourhood bakery.
3. Help me institute a Traffic Policemen Appreciation Day and a Traffic Policemen Appreciation Fund.

Go forth and love thy cop!

Did You Smell The Coffee?

Any Tam-Brahm Iyer function that's worth any decent amount of salt has to contend itself with only two of the three recommended square meals - breakfast and lunch. Anybody who tells you otherwise has been living in Punjab for too long and must be prescribed a Tam-Brahm Iyer function for the next three weekends at the very least.

This salty Tam-Brahm Iyer function, not in the least because of the long coastline of Tamil Nadu, wraps and modifies itself to only two things - rahu kalam (the bad time) and food - an indication of the place of importance food occupies in the grand scheme of things. Since rahu kalam cannot be changed, food acquires an all-deciding status. Hence, Iyers put in all sorts of energies into presenting a vast array of the most basic food stuffs prepared in the most delectable manner to ever grace a plantain leaf, so that when people talk about this function, and they will, they will talk about how pramadham (great) the food was.

Now, lunches are fairly simple affairs. It all depends on the rasam. A tremendous rasam can offset even the most mediocre lunch. For more on the philosophy of rasam, click here. Breakfasts, however, are much more trickier issues. It's the first meal of the day and the range of items that can be served are quite astonishing. Idly, vada, pongal, upma, semia upma, rava kesari, a multitude of chutneys and many others make selecting the right permutation and combination a challenge that would boggle even the self-designated Ramanujams at the function.

Thankfully, there is an answer. There is always an answer, and here it's name is coffee. Coffee is the glue that holds together any function. As long as there is great coffee doing the rounds consistently, everything else can and probably will be forgiven. I have always believed that a tanker should be stationed outside the hall and a pipe should connect from the tanker to a keg inside. A tap in the keg will allow for free-flowing unlimited (almost) coffee. Also, the thundering from the keg into the glass will give some great norai (froth), and all the connoisseurs (me included, but of course) know that's where the true taste lies. Such a setup also makes logistical sense for the host.

If you see any Tam-Brahm Iyer who's hyperactive and/or high-strung, you know it's the coffee. If you see any Tam-Brahm Iyer who's normal, imagine how sluggish he would have been if it hadn't been for the coffee. Coffee is possibly the single greatest contributor to the success of Tam-Brahm Iyers in the corporate, or any other, world. That brings me to the yawning gap, and hence opportunity, that exists today. To the best of my knowledge, there exists no machine that makes filter coffee. So, all the people who love filter coffee, the truest form of coffee if you ask me - and by reading this, you are asking me - are being forced to drink synthetic machine-made gloop that passes off as coffee. My limited knowledge of appliances and engineering indicates that it cannot be too difficult to create such a machine. I already have a machine that gives me decoction on the addition of coffee powder and hot water. Add a container with milk. Upon pressing a button, a certain pre-determined amount of decoction and milk is squirted out. Different buttons and pre-determinations can be set for different strengths of coffee. And voila! Productivity of companies employing Tam-Brahm Iyers skyrockets and South India is saved from the financial crisis.